20 May 2007
Dear Mary,
I am the sole caregiver for my parents who live independently in their own home. As their health declines they are becoming more dependent on me. They call at all hours and expect me to drop everything to attend to their needs. Last week my father called and insisted I run to the store “now” because they were almost out of paper towels. I know this is crazy, but I cannot seem to get the courage to say “no”. I have never talked back to my parents and was raised to do as told. I am feeling very drained and starting to resent them. Do you have any suggestions?
Dear Reader,
No matter how old we get the parent-child relationship still exists. Old habits are hard to break but they can be changed to fit certain situations. A good way to handle task-related demands is to rate them on a scale from one to five with one being the lowest priority and five being the highest. Remember, you are rating the importance of the task not your parents’ importance to you.
The next time your father calls with a demand, rate it then offer two options or, if options are not possible, state what you can do and when you can do it. For example, “If you need it right away I’ll call your neighbor to see if you can borrow some or I can pick it up for you on Tuesday when I go shopping.” Do not respond immediately if you feel pressured into making a decision. Reply by saying, “I’ll give it some thought and we can talk again on Thursday.” If you feel an argument coming on say, “I have to hang up now, I’ll call you later” - then do it.
Dear Mary
I attended your "Caring for the Caregiver" workshops at the PasadenaSeniorActivityCenter and want to thank you for all the information you provided. I am writing because I read your column in The Capital about choosing a good nursing home. You mentioned that the staff may ask family not to visit for a week or two in order to allow the resident to settle in. This is exactly what we were told the day my mother and I put my dad in a home. We had checked it out and it seemed great, so we moved Dad in and I took my mother out of town to be with family for a few days. Upon returning we found him sitting in his own urine and missing his false teeth and glasses. He could no longer walk and was severely dehydrated. I still live with that guilt.
When my mother moved to assisted living I visited every day, popping in at any time. I found this to be a much better situation and recommend that people choose a home close by just for this reason. She fell last May and, because of her age (90) and medical history, the doctor recommended Hospice. She died in August. Hospice was great but I still feel I should have fought harder to keep her alive. My head tells me I did the right thing but my heart still aches. Guilt must be my middle name because I am riddled by it.
Dear Reader,
I am sorry you had such a bad experience with you father’s care. What happened to him was abuse through neglect, something that should never be tolerated and reported to an Ombudsman.
Please accept my condolences on the death of your mother - and please stop beating yourself up. You did the right thing and both of you were blessed to have Hospice help with her passing. Although your grief is understandable, it may be helpful for you to talk to someone. The Department of Aging and Disabilities provides spiritual and grief counseling, as well as Healing Touch, to older adults through the Congregational Liaison Program. They partner with Hospice of the Chesapeake and HeritagePastoralCounselingCenter to provide services to those who require more therapy. Contact them at 410-222-4464 and tell them I told you to call.
Mary C. Fridley RN, BC
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