29 Jul 2007
Dear Mary,
I attended a workshop you gave last fall in AnneArundelCounty and found it very informative. My situation is that I am a part-time caregiver for a friend's mother who is 88 years old. I take her to the gym to exercise several days a week and I try to think of fun things to do with her. The problem is she complains of fatigue and depression but her family physician dismisses her complaints and tells her she is just getting older. Her daughter and I are wondering if you could steer us in the right direction of a physician who is patient and knowledgeable with seniors and their complaints. We appreciate you and your column.
Dear Reader,
It goes without saying that the older we get the less stamina we have. However, regardless of age, fatigue and depression can be signs of treatable conditions like B12 deficiency and anemia. If depression itself is the cause, it needs to be taken as seriously as a physical illness and treated just as rigorously. There is no need for someone at any age to suffer especially when they verbalize they need help. Now that I’ve said this, let me back-up and clarify that in some older folks depression cannot be successfully treated because of brain damage due to stroke or dementia. But before making this assumption, a thorough medical and psychological evaluation should be done.
I recommend you make an appointment with a board certified geriatrician: a physician specializing in elder care. You can find one in Anne Arundel County by calling any of these resources: Ask AAMC (443-481-4000); Anne Arundel Medical Society (410-544-0312); and Baltimore Washington Medical Center Physician Referral Service (410-787-4636). For long-distance caregivers or those living in other counties, the American Geriatrics Society Foundation for Health in Aging has a national referral service that can be reached at www.healthinaging.org or 800-563-4916. Keep up the good work and thanks for the compliments.
Dear Mary,
I hope you can help me. M mother has been living with me for three years and no matter what I do I cannot make her happy. She has emphysema from years of smoking and the doctor says she has a dementia now, too.
My mother has always been self-centered and demanding of attention and not the most loving person. I provide her with a good home and do everything she asks but, it is never enough. Just once I would like to hear a thank you from her. My husband has had it with her attitude and demeaning remarks and is feeling neglected. He has given me an ultimatum: mother or him. My brain tells me he is right but my guilt says she’s my mother and it is my responsibility to care for her. What should I do?
Dear Reader,
You are not the first to take in a parent in hopes that time has changed her ways and she will be forever grateful and loving for the kindness you bestow upon her. But a word to the wise: This is rarely the case, and I have seen marriages fall apart because a spouse has been neglected for the sake of caregiving. Husbands and wives are partners in life and this kind of situation needs the strength of that partnership. You must identify your life priorities and recommit to each other to get through this.
There are ways to care for your mother without living with her that do not diminish your role as caregiver. Yes, your role will change from “doing” to “over-seeing” but this will allow you to be a daughter rather than a servant. Guilt can be paralyzing and may prohibit you from following through. If this is the case, please seek counseling.
Call the Department of Aging and Disabilities (410-222-4464) for an assessment to determine whether your mother needs assisted living or nursing home level of care. Someone from the Adult Evaluation and Review Service (AERS) will visit and bring ample information to guide you in the right direction.
Stay strong.
Mary C. Fridley RN, BC
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