28 Jan 2007
Dear Mary,
I just read an article in the newspaper about an elderly man who died in a fire because no one could reach him in time due to the amount of clutter in his home. Mary, I live this nightmare everyday and I am faced with the same impending tragedy. My mother has years of accumulated junk consisting of old magazines and newspapers piled high in every room and hallway. She has always been a packrat, but has gone way over the edge in recent years; some of the magazines are fifteen years old! The house smells musty and the floors have not been seen in years. At eight-one she is physically strong, but her memory and judgment are poor. When asked why she is keeping all this stuff, her answer is “It’s none of your business”. My siblings and I tried to “organize” her house a few times but she would not allow it. What can we do?
Dear Reader,
Hoarding is a mental health problem that occurs for various reasons. It could be an indicator of an obsessive-compulsive disorder that has existed for many years or the result of losing control over one’s life. Every bit of what you call “junk” is important to your mother and represents ownership and security - things that are slowly slipping away from her. However, the bottom line is safety and if she is living in a fire trap you must take action. Explain to her why the house needs to be cleaned out using a gentle non-threatening manner and allow her to tell you what makes each item important to her. Offer to help sort them; setting aside those things she can part with and those she cannot. Do not judge her or demean the relationship she has with her possessions.
Outside intervention is also helpful in resolving the situation: a mental health assessment to determine her cognitive state and reason for hoarding; as well as a home assessment by an agency like Department of Aging and Disabilities.
Removal should be done as painlessly as possible. Parking a dumpster in her driveway is tempting, but not a good idea. Too quick of a move can provoke anger or despondency and can lead to dangerous behaviors. Like the reader below, be prepared for some kind of negative reaction after-all, you are disposing of her treasured belongings.
Dear Mary,
My sister and I did something that made our father furious. We visited for a weekend and while one of us distracted him, the other cleaned out his apartment. He had years of garbage piled everywhere: it was so bad that it was difficult to get through the front door. There were old newspapers to useless appliances and he would not part with any of it. We begged, coerced, and made promises but he refused to let us touch it. Finally, for his safety, we tossed it all. Now he refuses to speak civilly to either of us. We do sleep better knowing he can get out if there was ever a fire but the question is how do we get back in his good graces?
Dear Reader,
It is unfortunate you had to resort to such drastic measures, but the deed is done. In hindsight, you could have enlisted the support from the apartment manager to put pressure on him to clean house because his environment was not only a danger to himself, but to others in the building. This at least would have put you and your sister lower on the hate list.
Getting back in his good graces will take time. Remain in frequent contact with him and calmly listen as he yells at you. Resist the urge to engaging in an argument and valid his anger by telling him you are sorry for causing him pain - then tell him you love him and change the subject.
Mary C. Fridley RN, BC
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