26 Aug 2007
Dear Mary,
My elderly sister lives with her daughter, son-in-law, and their three teenage children. When she came to live with them I offered to help as much as I could. Well, somehow I have become her daily caretaker seeing to her every need. I am fortunate to have the time to do this, but feel resentful that I have no time for my self. My retirement dreams were to volunteer and travel to visit my two grandchildren who live in different parts of the country. In the two years since retirement I have done none of these things. I feel sorry for my niece who is overwhelmed and feel guilty just thinking about telling her how I feel. I love my sister but wish I could visit and enjoy her company rather than view it as a job. How do I get out of this predicament without sounding selfish?
Dear Reader,
Love and family relationship does not obligate you to be your sister’s free caretaker. She lives with five family members who should be able to arrange their schedules to meet her needs. The teenage grandchildren will learn responsibility, patience, and respect by helping with their grandmother’s care. Hair appointments can be scheduled on weekends and she can attend a senior center or adult day center for social stimulation during the week. Your niece’s family has a good thing going and is unlikely to change it voluntarily. It is up to you to take a stand and tell them how you feel. Give them the number for the Department of Aging and Disabilities (410-222-4464) to access community resources and in-home care. It is not selfish to want to enjoy your retirement years - you have earned it.
Dear Mary,
I have grandparents who will be moving to an assisted living home soon. Their children are divided over whether they should share a room or have separate rooms. Financially, it is better if they shared one, but my grandfather has dementia and is wearing my grandmother out. This is the big reason for moving. My grandmother has heart problems and suffers from anxiety and depression. When I talk to her she tells me how nice it would be to get a good night’s sleep but she is afraid to tell her children that she doesn’t want to share a room with their father. They have had a rocky marriage for sixty-two years and now with his dementia, it is even worse. My grandfather is an alcoholic who hasn’t had a drink in ten years, but is still emotionally abusive to his wife. He follows her around like a lost puppy yet yells and curses at her which is very embarrassing to her. Their children think that by moving them to a home they will have enough activity to keep them busy and apart from each other. What do you think?
Dear Reader,
Your grandmother’s health has been, and continues to be, affected by her husband’s behavior. Stress, anxiety, and depression all result in a shorter life span and, at this rate, her husband is likely to outlive her. She comes from a generation that frowned on divorce and believed in sleeping in the bed you made. There was no easy way out so she stayed in an abusive marriage for sixty-two years. Now, she may see this move as her saving grace.
She has been honest with you about her feelings and her decision should be the deciding factor. Tell her children what you have told me and ask them to honor her wishes. She has earned the right for peace and contentment in her final years. Your grandfather will be confused about her absence, but a good dementia unit will be able to handle his behavior. Eventually, he will settle in and become content with his surroundings.
You are a devoted granddaughter and your grandmother is blessed to have you as her confidante and advocate.
Mary C. Fridley RN, BC
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