22 Apr 2007
Dear Mary,
What do I say to a friend in the beginning stage of Alzheimer’s disease who wants to know about her condition? She came to me because I take care of my wife who is in an advanced stage of the disease. I would talk to her husband about this but I fear he also has a dementia. However, I am going to try to get her permission to talk to one of her children.
Dear Reader,
I recommend you guide your friend towards the Alzheimer’s Association which sponsors support groups for people with early dementia. The Association also offers consultation services as well as resource information. The Greater Maryland Chapter can be contacted by phone at 1-800-443-2273 or on the web at www.alzgmd.org. I believe your idea to talk to one of her children is a good one. It sounds like both your friend and her husband need someone watching the situation. Please refer him or her to the Anne Arundel County Department of Aging and Disabilities (410-222-4464) for information about community services to keep them safe.
You, sir, are a true friend.
Dear Mary,
My father, who has middle stage Alzheimer’s disease, is living with me and my family. He worked hard all his life as a safety engineer for the railroad and looked forward to retirement. However, now that he has dementia he cannot sit still. He gets into things he shouldn’t like rearranging closets which makes it very difficult to find anything. I try to be patient but this behavior is driving me crazy. What can I do to make him stop?
Dear Reader,
The reality is you cannot stop his behavior but you can learn to manage it by capitalizing on his work history. As a safety engineer he held a very important position that required strict attention to detail. He is now going through the motions of old habits to feel important and useful again.
Instead of allowing him to search for things to do, provide him with tasks that draw on his skill of attention to detail. It should be simple like sorting out the junk drawer or asking him to organize the Tupperware cupboard. Keep in mind that for him it is all about the process of doing, so do not get hung-up on the end results. Praise him for his work and tell him how grateful you are for his help. I would also recommend he attend a day program. It would give him an outlet for his energy and give you some well deserved time off.
Dear Mary,
I am a regular reader of your column and frequently see letters from readers who are experiencing grief over the loss of an elderly parent. I am 49 and have lost both of my parents: my father died when I was young and three years ago I lost my mother. Although she and I were never close, her death hit me particularly hard. I would like to pass on some information that helped me and might help others.
I carry two very small booklets with me by author Gale Massey and often find myself referring to them when I start feeling sad. They are Grief...Reminders for Healing and Grief...Nurturing the Process. They have been such a comfort to me and I hope others will find comfort in them, too. I would also like to refer those who grieve the loss of a pet to RainbowsBridge website (www.rainbowsbridge.com). It, too, is very comforting.
Dear Reader,
I called the number you gave me and spoke with Ms Massey. She said the booklet Grief…Nurturing the Process is no longer in print but the other one remains very popular. If readers would like more information, or want to order a copy, they can go to her website: www.bookstohealgrief.com. The Rainbows Bridge website contains a poem that starts “Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge”. My Veterinarian sent it to me when my beloved dog Jessie died several years ago. Reading it again brought back wonderful memories.
Words are powerful tools and I am frequently reminded of a quote by Ingrid Bengis: “Words are a form of action, capable of influencing change.”
Thank you for taking the time to write and share.
Mary C. Fridley RN, BC
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