3 Jan 2010
Dear Mary,
My parents are in their eighty’s and fortunate to be financially stable. They are extremely stubborn and independent but need help on several fronts. My dad has moderate Alzheimer's with incontinence, sundowning, and memory loss. In addition he has a pacemaker and defibrillator and takes several medications.
My mother is his caregiver and has slow developing Parkinson's disease and Type 2 diabetes. She recently found out she had suffered multiple minor strokes and, on top of that, is scheduled to have a breast biopsy this month. They are both military veterans and live in the home they’ve owned for more than fifty years. Mother is extremely reluctant to move but did consent to the idea of moving my father to a VA progressive care unit. The down side is that it is quite a distance from their home.
Compounding these problems is the fact that my brother and I live out of state. We are willing to do what needs to be done, but where do we start? Thank you for any guidance you can provide.
Dear Reader,
Your parent’s health and safety are most important so start by securing alternative housing for your father by contacting the Veteran’s Administration. You can print out the health care benefits application by going to their website: www.va.gov. Since placement won’t happen over night, it is a good idea to hire a geriatric care manager to see to their well being. The care manager will help with placement, hire in-home staff, and report back to you on a regular basis. You can find one by logging onto the Geriatric Care Manager website at www.caremanager.org.
Another thought is that since they are financially secure, a local private facility may be more agreeable to your mother. Just knowing she can visit her husband often will ease her mind. The local Area Agency on Aging in your parent’s locale can give you information about housing options and any available community services. You can get the number by contacting the Eldercare Locator at 800-677-1116 or visit their website at www.eldercare.gov.
Dear Mary,
My mother is in the late stage of Alzheimer’s disease and suffers from recurrent pneumonia. I’m told she is choking on her food and it is going into her lungs. The doctor says the only fix is a feeding tube. I’m so undecided about what to do. I don’t want to lose her yet, on the other hand, I know she doesn’t want to live like this. I’d be grateful for any advice you can give me.
Dear Reader,
Alzheimer’s disease is a terminal illness; there is no cure and no getting back what has been lost. You know what your mother would want so it’s up to you to follow her wishes.
It’s never easy losing a parent and much more difficult making the decision to let them go. Spiritual counseling is helpful as well as consulting with Hospice. Please do this as soon as possible for both your sakes.
Dear Mary,
I am a faithful reader of your column and want to share something with you. My parents are elderly and live out of state. My father is in a dementia unit in a nursing home and Mother visits him frequently. He doesn’t know who she is anymore but it’s important to her to see him. She attended their holiday party last week and big band music was playing in the back ground. As she walked into the room my Dad rose from his seat, grabbed her hand and said, “Hey good looking, care to dance with a lonely sailor?” Mary, this is what he said to her the first time they met! My mother is still giddy from the experience.
Dear Reader,
What a wonderful Christmas gift! Thank you for sharing.
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