Dear Mary,
My father had heart by-pass surgery a few months ago and I did everything for him while he was recovering. Now that he’s better I want him to take the initiative and help himself. He is perfectly capable of making a meal and doing laundry, but he waits for me to do them. How do I get him motivated?
Dear Reader,
There could be one of two things going on here: depression or learned dependence.
Depression after heart surgery is not uncommon with lack of initiative and motivation being two of the many symptoms. Take your father to his primary care practitioner for a depression screening and referral for counseling and/or medication management if needed.
In learned dependence the care-receiver slides into a comfortable position of being waited on and expects it to continue. Initially, you were right in taking control. However, the current situation could’ve been prevented by returning it gradually as his health improved.
You both need to discuss the problem and establish a working agreement. Wean him slowly off your support by assigning easy tasks and then gradually adding more until he’s reached his maximum capability.
Dear Mary,
I’m the son of elderly parents who still live independently. They have always been able to maintain their property without help until now. Over the past year their health has declined and I question my father’s judgment. For example, he’s insisting on getting on the roof to clean the gutters. He has high blood pressure and “dizzy spells” as my mother calls them. We had a big argument about this and I got mad, called him an “old fool” and told him he’s too old to be climbing a ladder. Now he won’t talk to me. My mother is worried but she’s the dependent type and won’t stand up to him. How do I get him to listen?
Dear Reader,
Number one mistake: arguing - either you lose or no one wins; number two and three mistakes: calling him names and telling him he’s too old - both make him defensive and intent on proving you wrong.
Old habits die hard. It’s difficult to change a pattern of communication you’ve used for a life-time. It’s even more difficult to manage the anger that arises from poor communication skills.
I realize you’re concerned about his safety, but does he know this? Talk to him when both of you are calm and tell him what frightens you. Use “I” statements like, “I’m afraid of losing you”, rather than “you” statements such as, “You’re going to fall and kill yourself”. If he’s still insistent, compromise: he can clean the gutters when you’re present. Then, skillfully suggest he hold the ladder and supervise while you do the cleaning.
As Bette Davis said, “Growing old ain’t for sissies”. Older adults struggle to maintain control while younger ones try to take it away. If both took the time to see the picture from each other’s point of view there would be more peace and harmony between the generations.
Honor, love, and respect your parents and they will do the same for you.
| 
