24 May 2009
Dear Mary,
My father’s wife was put in a home a few weeks ago. He is with her seven days a week feeding her lunch then staying for several hours. He no longer socializes or joins in family outings. What concerns me is his inability to balance his life. I want him to come visit me for a few days to give him time off. But he won’t give himself permission to leave her side. He even refused to attend a family funeral. I let him know how upset I was about it, but he said I should understand his situation. I really don’t. Because of her dementia she doesn’t even know who he is. What can I do to get him motivated?
Dear Reader,
Your father is grieving the loss of his spouse, marriage, and life as it was. I’m also fairly certain that he is feeling guilty about not being able to care of her at home. If he should take time off and his wife falls, or Heaven forbid dies, the guilt could be overwhelming.
I know how painful it is to see him preoccupied, but the best thing to do is respect his needs. His wife’s time on Earth is short and right now he needs her as much as he feels she needs him.
My family went through a similar situation with my father -in-law. When his wife died he grieved but was comforted by the fact that he had remained by her side as he promised to her with his wedding vows.
Try not to impose your expectations onto your father. Understand that his human journey is separate from yours and he is walking the path laid in front of him. Telling him he is neglecting the family is hurtful. There is only so much he can do…and right now his wife is his focus. Be patient and forgiving because after-all, like you and me, he is only human.
Dear Mary,
My husband is in the later stage of Alzheimer’s disease. He is in a home and bed bound. He is fed, bathed, and changed by the staff and can do nothing for himself. He now has pressure sores and his appetite is next to nothing. With all this going on, I’m wondering if he still needs medication for combativeness and the two Alzheimer’s medicines.
He told me he never wanted to live this way and it breaks my heart to see him like this. I don’t want him to suffer anymore; I want him to die with dignity. Do I have the right to tell the doctor to stop his medicines? What should I expect if they are stopped?
Dear Reader,
At this stage in your husband’s disease it is unlikely his medicines are doing any good and stopping them won’t make a difference. If it does, they can always be restarted.
I urge you to talk to his doctor not only about discontinuing his meds, but also to ask him or her to order Hospice. Your husband’s decrease in appetite combined with skin breakdown suggests to me that his body is shutting down and Hospice is appropriate. They can make arrangements to provide care in the home or move him to a Hospice House.
There are several Hospices in the area. To find one, please call the Hospice Network of Maryland: 410-729-4571. I’ll be thinking of you.
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