11 Mar 2009
Dear Mary,
I lost my mother to heart disease two years ago. I’m still grieving and feel guilty that I didn’t do enough for her. I have a wonderful husband and family, but find it difficult to enjoy them. Is this normal and how long will it last?
Dear Reader,
Grieving is a process that leads to peace and acceptance. Over time, it becomes less painful and the hurt is replaced with endearing memories. Like you, it is not uncommon for caregivers to second guess themselves. However, this behavior, too, eventually passes and is replaced with peaceful acceptance.
You may be suffering from clinical depression. It takes the stuffing out of you and among other things can make you feel apathetic, listless, anxious, and sorrowful. I encourage you to seek the services of a mental health professional to help you move forward and enjoy life.
Dear Mary,
How do I know when it’s time to use long-term care insurance? My husband suffers with Parkinson’s disease and it’s becoming much more difficult for me to handle him. He needs a lot of help with personal care and I haven’t had a day off in two years. I’m afraid to activate the insurance too early for fear I’ll need it even more down the road.
Dear Reader,
Good question. The best advice I can give you is to read the policy carefully. What are the time and/or monetary constraints? If there is no time constraint, you may want to activate it now and supplement services with your own money to make it last longer. Policies with time constraints are more difficult. Talking to your husband’s physician about the current stage of the disease and prognosis will help. I also suggest you talk with a financial planner to determine how long you can afford to pay for care before or after activating the policy.
In the mean time, seek resources that can provide the help you need. If your husband has a dementia, contact the Alzheimer’s Association about funds available through the Caregiver Assistance Respite Program (1-800-443-2273). The Maryland Access Point (410-222-4257) has information about other respite services as does the Services for Seniors directory available in libraries, senior centers, and some grocery stores.
Dear Mary,
We moved our father into a dementia unit in an assisted living home a week ago. My sister and I are very worried that we made the wrong decision. He seems even more confused and harder to handle. The facility tells us this is normal but it is breaking our hearts. We feel he thinks we’ve abandoned him. What should we do?
Dear Reader,
It takes a while for someone with dementia to become accustomed to a new environment. Initially, more confusion is expected but once he becomes used to the routine and people he will feel less troubled.
Visit him often and remind him that you love him. Distract him from talking about going home and avoid apologizing for “putting” him there. Walk with him and help him participate in activities and interact with other residents. A calm and reassuring approach will help him to accept his new home.
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