Dear Mary,
I read with interest your recent column in this newspaper about bathing. I gave the column to the caregiver who comes three times a week to shower my wife. She has not been successful with the shower, so she tried your method and was able to get my wife bathed and dressed without too much fuss. Yes, there were moments of resistance, but your suggestion to “back off” really helped. Thank you.
Dear Reader,
You’re welcome and thank you for the feedback.
Dear Mary,
I’ve been a caregiver for a long time and I would like to pass along the most valuable lesson I have learned: If someone offers to help, say yes!
Dear Reader,
How right you are. Accepting help from others is difficult for many caregivers. The misconception is that by doing so they fail their loved ones. What it really means is that they are resourceful and determined enough to use all available means to get the job done.
Your suggestion reminds me of a caregiver friend who, whenever any one said “let me know if I can help”, added their name to a list. Then, when in need, she went down the list until she found someone who could fill the need. She did not apologize for calling but instead thanked them for offering and proceeded to tell them what she needed. Her approach was very effective.
Dear Mary,
How do I respond to my father? He has Alzheimer’s disease and sometimes accuses me of doing or saying things that are not true. I try to reason with him, but he insists on believing them. These incidences seem to pass quickly but I am so unnerved by them I don’t know what to do. Please help me.
Dear Reader,
Suspiciousness and paranoia, as well as delusions, are common to his type of dementia. He cannot control this behavior and no amount of reasoning will change his thinking. The next time an episode occurs excuse yourself from his presence and return a little later. Resist the urge to sit down and talk to him about it, he will only become defensive. Understand that these kinds of things will happen and try not to take them personally.
Dear Mary,
My mother is intent on bringing my father home from the hospital. Although healthy, she is in her early eighties. My father is paralyzed on one side from a stroke and needs a lot of help. He cries each time she visits and makes her promise not to put him in a nursing home. I, too, would like him home but worry about how she will handle him. I’ve recently had surgery and am not able to physically help. They have enough money to hire people but where do we start?
Dear Reader,
Ideally, it would be best for him to go to a rehabilitation center for intense physical and occupational therapy for a few weeks. This would provide valuable time for his health to stabilize, regain his strength, and learn how to function as independently as possible. It would also give you and your mother time to find and access services for the home.
Talk to the hospital discharge planner and see if he or she can find a facility that is close to home. If your mother is still set on bringing him directly home, be sure that home health services are ordered right away.
Your mother will need as much help as possible, so I recommend you call a home care agency or a geriatric care manager to coordinate services. You can find each in the Services for Seniors directory - an excellent resource found in Anne Arundel County, MD libraries and senior centers. Good luck.
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