Dear Mary,
I hope you can help me. My dear husband has multiple medical problems including short-term memory loss. He was a calm sensitive man who never raised his voice. Now that he needs someone to care for him he is angry and says hurtful things to me. I know he can’t help it, but I find myself losing patience with him. I am guilt ridden and saddened by the disconnect I feel from the man I married. Do you have any advice that can help me through this?
Dear Reader,
Your experience is common, as are your emotions. I’ve always said that spousal caregivers have the most difficult job. The losses they suffer are many and include loss of companionship, marital roles, physical and emotional connections, and a lifetime of living as one unit. The healthy spouse must take on roles once assumed by the ill spouse and has to shoulder all the burdens in life. But, the hardest to reconcile is the loss of a loving connection between partners. The caregiver may spend hours doing hands-on tasks for his or her spouse, but does not receive rewards in return. Caregivers feel isolated within the marriage and grieve for what was.
The other side of the coin is the care-receiver who also feels isolated and disconnected from the marriage. He or she may be well aware they cannot give to the extent they are given. Walls go up to protect fragile emotions.
I have a suggestion that may help reconnect the two of you: try being the receiver and allow your husband to give to you. Ask him to massage your aching shoulders and focus on his touch. Tell him how good it feels and how thankful you are for his help. Repeat this ritual on other parts of your body like hands, feet, and calves. I think you will be pleasantly surprised to see a positive shift in the relationship when the two of you practice a mutual give and take.
Dear Mary,
I travel all over the world for my job and worry about my elderly parents living alone. I am an only child and find it hard to keep track of their well-being. I visit as often as I can but it usually amounts to three or four times a year. Is there a service out there I can hire to watch over them?
Dear Reader,
Yes, there is. A geriatric care manager is a life saver in these situations. This person will keep a watchful eye on your parents and report back to you at scheduled intervals. A geriatric care manager can also set-up appointments, access transportation, and find the right help to keep your parents safe in their home. You can find one by contacting the National Association of Professional Geriatric Care Managers at www.caremanager.org.
Dear Readers,
The Winter/Spring Caregiver Workshop series called A recipe for Disaster: Clutter, falling, and Medication Management has started. Sponsored by the Department of Aging and Disabilities Family Caregiver Program, it is a series of three 2-hour sessions held at all seven Senior Activity Centers. Learn how to effectively manage clutter and provide a safe living environment. Learn how to properly use a wheelchair, walker, and cane and how to safely transfer a love one from bed, chair, or car. Learn how to manage the ever worrisome medication regime. Come prepared to learn and have fun. Yours truly will be the presenter and I look forward to seeing you there. Please call 410-222-4464 extension 3043 to register.
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