23 Mar 2008
The Caregivers Corner - March 23, 2008
Dear Mary,
I hope you do not mind, but I need to vent to someone. I have taken care of my husband for the past three years. He was in a car accident and suffered a head injury that left him unable to do much for himself. However, I am fortunate to be able to afford home care and thank God every day for the wonderful people who help me.
We are in our early sixties. At this time of our lives we thought we would be spending our retirement years traveling the world. Instead, we are held hostage by a cruel twist of fate. When people see me they make comments like, “You are so strong, I could never do what you do” I feel like telling them I do not want to do it either. I would love for someone to nurture me for a change. Thanks for listening.
Dear Reader,
Your husband’s loss and suffering is obvious and it is natural for people to focus attention on him. They do not think to ask about you because, like most caregivers, you wear your super-hero cape in public.
Although you did not ask for my advice, I cannot resist the opportunity. If you want to be nurtured, reach out for it. Sometimes it is as simple as asking for a hug or making an appointment at a spa. Sometimes it takes stepping out of your comfort zone and joining a support group. Support groups provide encouragement and nurturing for people in like situations. They validate the caregiving experience and foster bonds of friendship. I encourage you ask for what you want and reach out for support.
Dear Mary,
I just returned from the doctor with my mother. She has become more reclusive and no longer does the things she has always enjoyed. This all seems to have started with the death of her younger sister in November.
The doctor spent about fifteen minutes with her doing the usual physical exam. He asked her how she was feeling and of course she said “fine”. I told him about the change in her but he said her blood tests came back normal and that at eighty-seven she is just slowing down.
I am very worried about her. She used to love going to the senior center with her friends. Now when they call she tells them she is not feeling up to it. My instinct tells me she is depressed. How can I get help for her and is it realistic to think that she can be helped at her age?
Dear Reader,
Listen to your instinct. It is not uncommon to suffer a depression after the death of a loved one…and older adults are more vulnerable to depression for good reason. The older we get the more losses experienced creating an imbalance of loss out-weighing gain. Added to this is the lack of emotional reserve.
Treating depression is not age dependent. Your mother has the same right as a younger person to feel well. Her suffering affects her quality of life and that in turn affects you.
Mary C. Fridley RN, BC
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