19 Aug 2009
A diagnosis of dementia evokes feelings of denial, loss, grief, even resentment and anger. Every situation is different but how you view your loved one, and how you view you, is important.
Do you view your love-one as a victim or person; a condition or illness? Do you view yourself as a victim or person; as a survivor or sufferer? Thinking of either as a victim or sufferer declares there is no hope. Yes, the relationship changes, but the bond never dies.
Over time the relationship becomes one of on-going transformation from independence to dependency. Progressive dementia means losing loved-ones as you once knew them - and cognitive loss causes personality changes that are difficult to reconcile.
“…the body remains behind like some empty piece of armor.” (An Ocean of Time – Alzheimer’s: Tale of Hope and Forgetting, Patrick Mathiasen, MD)
It changes from one of mutual give and take to one of giving but not receiving. It is here that caregivers must see the person behind the disease, recognize when it is the disease fueling behaviors and avoid the temptation to blame.
Pay attention to the “moments”: moments when eyes meet, smiles reflect, and arms embrace; moments of silliness, laughter, and peace; moments of kind words and endearments. Savor each one and reflect on them when at your wits end.
Give your loved ones the gift of unconditional love: allow them to engage in life being free to be who they are and socialize with others who share their journeys. Adult day centers, Senior Centers, and Senior Center Plus programs allow this to happen.
Learn about the disease; what to expect and plan for it. Learn how to communicate and manage behaviors. Learn how to support your loved ones while still caring for you - your good health is essential for sustaining a healthy relationship.
Seek out community resources. Support groups provide a confidential place to vent and learn how to successfully handle problems. Home care agencies exist to provide in-home assistance ranging from companionship to nursing care. And of course the Department of Aging and Disabilities has numerous resources and is waiting to hear from you.
…And don’t forget about your friends. Nurture them and they will support you here and beyond.
Blessings, Mary
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